Local Revision: Wordiness

Stinging Eyes. "Lost For Words". 06/12/2007 via flickr.
CC0 Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic.

In this post I will be editing and analyzing my wordiest paragraph. I chose to do a QRG so I need my paragraphs to be quick and concise.

This is directly from my QRG:

Remember the Sony hacks that happened a few years back in November of 2014? It is believed that North Korea targeted Sony’s interface in order to keep the production company from showing the movie The Interview. When the servers were hacked much of Sony’s secret information such as scripts, pay and employment information, and emails were leaked to the public. One leaked email in particular referenced the pay and commission of the leading actresses and actors in the film American Hustle. The movie stars Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooper, and Jeremy Renner in lead positions. The email included information that indicated Jennifer Lawrence would be receiving 7% of the box office sales while two of her male costars would each receive 9%. To the general public this seems like a minor percentage discrepancy but because the film brought in a whopping $150,117,807 according to boxofficemojo.com the pay disparity between Lawrence and her male costars was over 3 million dollars. Click Here to Read More About the Sony Hacks

Re-written and reformatted:

Remember the Sony hacks that happened a few years back in November of 2014? 

It is believed that North Korea targeted Sony’s interface in order to keep the production company from showing the movie The Interview. When the servers were hacked much of Sony’s secret information was leaked to the public. One leaked email spelled out the pay and commission of each of the leading actresses and actors in the film American Hustle. The email indicated that Jennifer Lawrence would be receiving 7% of the profit while her male costars would each receive 9%. 


To the general public this seems like a minor percentage discrepancy but because the film brought in a whopping $150,117,807 according to boxofficemojo.com the pay disparity between Lawrence and her male costars was over 3 million dollars. Click Here to Read More About the Sony Hacks