I still have a lot to work on! There is definitely a lot of detail that needs to be added, especially to the 2nd paragraph and the conclusion needs to be written. I'm writing about how art professionals use writing and focusing on the genres of blogging, article writing, and journaling.
You can find my essay here
Hey, Jules, I have a couple of thoughts about content suggestions after reading your first draft.
ReplyDeleteI like your intro. I feel it gave me a lot of personal context for the field is personally important for you (which in turn gave me an idea of who the intended audience might be), and I felt I understood the two major branches of art and what they do.
After that, I got a little lost. I wasn't quite sure which rhetorical concepts were being addressed and where. I think the second paragraph was looking at purpose (to inform and to share an opinion), but the quote seemed to lean more toward the audience side. I think it would be helpful to indicate specifically which rhetorical concept is being addressed in the intro of the paragraph, and to perhaps trim the quote a little (replace anything that might not be directly related to the rhetorical concept with an ellipsis, for instance).
Being specific about the rhetorical concepts can carry over to other paragraphs as well. Your second body paragraph starts with a good transition, but it would be very helpful to mention specifically the rhetorical concept discussed in, say, the second sentence. I feel the same is true for the third body paragraph.
A second content suggestion I wanted to bring up is more specificity about the genre examples being referenced. As a reader it would help to have a little extra context about which genre examples specifically you've consulted. A sentence or two introducing and describing them would help convey a lot of context, and listing the genre examples you found in a Works Cited page (with in-text citations) would help with clarity and credibility. (A Works Cited page and in-text citations are also good genre conventions that could be a bit more prominent in the essay as-is.)
I think that's about it for my content suggestions. I hope they've helped a bit. Best of luck with your final draft!
Julia,
ReplyDeleteI think your draft does a great job of not boring the audience to death. I thought your intro was the best part of the paper because it helps connect the audience with you and thus with the paper.
Aside from your intro, you took a very informal way of breaking down the genres. Part of me loves it because the paper is much less boring to read however from a grading standpoint I do not think you will be able to get away with it. I think you should explicitly state which genre convention you are talking about and then go into detail about it.
Right now, your paper seems to be contrasting studio artist to art historians and I think you should shift that to breaking down the three genres examples you used (blogging, journaling, and articles? I'm not sure if that is one). A lot of the information is there it just needs to be reorganized in a way that fits the assignment.
Altogether, you have a great paper but its not the paper that the assignment was asking for. You have enough information to shift around your rough draft to cater the assignment so you should not be worried and definitely should not scrap the paper. Your introduction is very strong and I think it should be kept the exact same for your final draft. Also do not forget a Work's Cited page.
Good luck on your project
Nicolas Herard